Monday, 28 February 2011

The Book of Owain

I am personally convinced that Owain Oliver is in the middle of some great, spiritual process, (because surely nobody is actually that...that...well nobody is, so there isn’t a word). Soon he will reveal that he has been debasing himself with alcohol and foolishness for a greater purpose, and will take his place at the spiritual head of a new society. His exploits shall be told with reverence around the campfires of the Post Apocalyptic world. With this in mind, I reached into the future, and withdrew this – a chapter from the Book of Owain.  

And it came to pass that Heather did think she heard a voice. And the voice was the voice of Kathleen, called Kat, who spake to Heather through the Samsung Tocco Lite. Hear now the words of Kathleen, called Kat. “Arise, sister, from thy couch of everlasting sloth, and come thee to the Union. For there is drink here, and music, and we shall dance”.

So Heather rose and went to that place. And she found there her friends, and they drank deep of the Tennants. There was much merriment in the Union, for it was the time of the Bop, and many knew each other in the style of this writing that night. As they were leaving that place, Owain saw a girl who had fallen upon the ground and was being tended by an ambulance crew. A great crowd had gathered around her. Owain approached the crowd, and spake unto the physicians. “I am not in the ambulance!”, spake Owain, and he laughed. But those who heard his words were not prepared for his wisdom, for they did not understand his meaning. “Come”, said Heather, “let us unto South Street, where thou dwellst with Guy of the Luxuriant Hair”. And Owain saw that this was good. Upon the road, Owain espied three men walking ahead of them, and was greatly pleased. “Let us fall upon these men”, he cried, “for they are but muscle-bound rugby players, and we two drunks can totally ‘ave ‘em”. But Heather’s faith was weak, and she feared for their safety. “Nay”, said she, “let us pass them by, and hasten to thy home”. And Owain punished Heather for her lack of faith by taking from her the Samsung Tocco Lite, and speaking through it to Rob the Scouser. “Yea”, he said unto Rob, “know that ye have pleased me by thy early leaving, for the girl I am with is half naked”. “Owain”, spake Heather, “look upon me, and see that I am clothed”. Owain saw that this was true, and great was his wrath. In his fury he tried to fling the Samsung Tocco Lite from him, but the vodka stayed his hand. It seemed that in his anger he would be struck by a car, yet Heather pulled him from the road. And Owain forgave Heather her clothedness, and uttered this prophecy. “You’re gonna get laid one day ‘cos you’ve got the biggest tits of...animals”. But great was Heather’s ignorance, and she did not favour his words. Now Owain thought it time to hasten unto his house. Thus he lifted his head to the heavens, and cried out that he was Mr Brightside. And he began to run at great speed. But outside the Criterion, the vodka saw fit to test him by causing his foot to itch. And Owain tried to remove his shoe to smite the itch. Yet Owain believed he could remove his shoe without breaking his run, and was punished for his pride. For Owain fell, and hit his face upon the Criterion. Owain pushed upon the Criterion, but the Criterion was stubborn, and moved not. Thus Owain cursed the Criterion for failing to yield to his face, calling it an arsey shit-brick fucker. Now did Owain come upon his house. Yet he would not take his key himself unto the door, but would have his apostle do it. “Yea”, he told her, “the key is somewhere upon my person. Thou must find it”. But Heather would not undertake the task. Instead, she pounded upon the door and shouted that it was the police, until Guy of the Luxuriant Hair came down to receive Owain into the house. And Guy apologised to Heather, and said that Owain was a stupid monkey boy. But Owain considered all that had passed, and found his disciples much wanting in their faith.

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